I rolled over my couch today and caught myself in time to realize I'd fall.
I lay still and let the morning sounds drench me. He wasn't going to be there today and for the many days to come. I would turn around for all these days and not find his soothing body to wrap myself around. I realized that the time has come for me to accept that I will not rest my eyes upon him the first thing. I will not..oh..for a long, long time..nuzzle into his bowl full of neck. I can't turn around my bed to fill me with his smell.
I breathed deep as I remembered his face.
My closed eyes allowed themselves a little trip through his hair. My fingers twitched at the thought of running them through it. I slowly slid my eyes down his intelligent forehead and sunk into his fantastic eyes. He has such brilliant eyes. I wish I could spend my lifetime looking into them..feeling his calm, sure, deep self through his precious windows. His firm nose and cheeks..my nose itched to smell him. I want to sniff him..I want to drown in him. My eyes sauntered to his sensuous mouth. I want to trace my index finger around it. I want to lick it in that way he loves and finally explore the depths of his mouth.
I quietly lay there. Desolate and lonely. I kept running from the memories..the curve of his cheek, the way he laughed, his funny dance, our sunrises, the shops we frequented, the rush, the tears, the songs...
I felt a grave tear slither through the crevices in my soul. It was cutting through me. Finally.
God. I miss him.
20 comments:
Hmm... I envy whoever this post was written for ....
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You know , this was written so beautifully , I wished someone loved me so much (but no one does ,sigh ! ) .... and I remember your previous posts on him too .... Wow ... u can seriously bring out ur feelings in words very well ....
"feeling his calm, sure, deep self through his precious windows"
"I felt a grave tear slither through the crevices in my soul. It was cutting through me. Finally."
Those were my favorite lines. When I say I know exactly how you feel, I really do. My husband and I spent the first 8+ years of our relationship apart, for school, jobs, etc. We have finally lived together every day for the last 1.5 years. He is in India for a short time, and thank God he is coming back soon. I wrote the latest poem on my blog is connection with this, this missing, this emptiness, this waiting to be filled again.
I won't tell you it's easy. The only thing I can say is that the silent spaces between us made me stronger. It gave me a chance to really know myself as an Indian woman, so that I can stand by his side, rather than behind him.
My heart goes out to you...
Could i borrow ur muse?
touching to the last tear that dropped.
i had a suggestion if anyone wud b interested. lets come up with title & everybody write on it...anythign..ot out of competteion but just to c wat v can come up with...everyone's welcome just lemme know if u'd like to do that.
I love ur work...
Thank you for visiting and reading my blog.
I've read your work and I agree with the first person who posted a comment when he said that it is a privilege to be here.
there's a favorite song of mine that has two words in it that i love, glorious sadness. i remembered them again as i read this evocative piece. life can be a tragedy for those who feel...yet what a sweet tragedy it is. such beautiful words. thank you for that.
Oh! your words shine in glory of love. Its so wonderful, I would want to be loved like that forever..
absolutely wonderful!
Can I hope that he too misses you as poetically as you miss him?
Can I hope that whether poetic or not, he does come back.
Can I hope that what you wrote was a figment of your imagination and not the reality?
Can I?
Sometimes writing so beautifully preserves the pain.
I like the way you started this, "I rolled over my couch today and caught myself in time to realize I'd fall." It kind of sets the pace for the rest to follow.
And, as usual, I liked your 'ending'.
"I felt a grave tear slither through the crevices in my soul. It was cutting through me. Finally.
God. I miss him."
It reminds me of your 'The Key.' post, where you ended with "I tell you. I’m in love. For one last time."
Was the muse/inspiration the same for both? There seem to be several parallels between both the posts.
monochrome - :) Mine swirled with muffled tears while writing it. Not offended at all, I wish that you too get a chance to be in 'his' place. Although, it hurts to be the giver..and it's a lonely place to be in. Maybe you should've said 'I wish I had someone to share this with'.
Infatuation Junkie - (read monochrome) It's a privilege to feel so much love. I only try, in vain, to give it a few words. They pale in comparison to what I feel. ;) I envy the man I wrote this for too.
PoeticMermaid - The silent spaces are rather dangerous, sometimes. Distance has this strange way of testing the people at the recieving end.
I fill the silence with the noise of words. But, tell me, what purpose will they serve?
Blackempress - Borrow my muse and dress it the way you wish :)
What you suggested is a good idea, unfortunately, I'm hard-pressed for words presently. Maybe we ought to do this once my vocab-bag frees up?
Free Spirit - As I would say about your blog. I was reading your blog off and on for a while before I stepped out of the woodwork of being a mere reader.
transience - What a beautiful way to describe this post! Such an honor.
Life has this strange way of catching up on you. Although, I'll admit it is the most stimulating experience to have.
AmitKen - (read monochrome) In the light of that, I'll pity the one who loves you ;) Dont't get me wrong. It can be torturous on the other side.
Atheistbishop - Perhaps, he too shall miss me as poetically. I'm not sure if he'll ever come back..in time. It can't be a figment of imagination if it theres a lump in your throat after reading it.
You can.
D'accord. Sometimes writing this beautifully makes the pain pronounced.
.:A:. - I went back to read that post. :) You've a keen mind, A. Very keen.
It can be the same muse..which will make it Part II, as you'd asked about. If it isn't the same muse..then what?
I see no parallel drawn in the muse's, do you? Then what's the answer to your question?
"What purpose will they serve?"
M, only you can answer this. I must have written so many words in the 'silent spaces' between us. They were my comfort blankets; they were the cups to catch my tears; they were my prayers. Inside I was raging, and angry at him, or myself for choosing schools, careers that created a canyon between us. All I know is, one can fill that canyon with strength or despair. At times, I was not exactly sure which one was displacing the other.
I came out of it with many bruises and cuts. Some still run deep, deep enough to surface from time to time. What I know now, that I did not know then, was that the Universe would not have played out this drama of my life any other way.
PoeticMermaid - Yes, I've written so much in this time..I've written too many memories into my mind. And the line between strength and disappointment is too obscure.
I suppose, it all boils down to what choice I make. What else can be said..
erin - All too familiar..life, sometimes, does play out the same story for each of us.
em - Welcome! I actually am not that good with imagery, or atleast I thought so. :)
sometimes i still curl up on that part of the couch where he sat. fitting myself into that phantom impression he left.
I know M, I know very very well that its torturous.
But your post still made me wish that. I know its kinda selfish ;)
bismuth - Yes..(I'd rather silence prevail over that..replies won't help)
AmitKen - :) It's human!
hmm...I think people have beautifully told you so much,that I needn't;)
This post reminds me of the heart an as inflated balloon;the air of which has slowly gone out in the time that you wrote the above.
I must have mentioned earlier at how I think another post of yours was an attempt to contain pain by writing it out,only to show the reader that the pain cannot be contained, cannot be written out...
.:A:. has already mentioned that he found paralles with "The Key". I thought so too.
And as he mentioned-the beginning and end tie up so well with each other. Its as if the pain gives you a better hold over words, and yet that is not enough to get him back...
All my best wishes with you,
sweetie. I know you won't come out of this unscathed so what I wish is that you come out of this a stronger woman-the woman who can even intimidate insanity!Take care:)
Jax - :) Welcome and I do hope to see you around.
This is, indeed, a glimpse of what I feel. The power of feelings can only submerge all.
Ellipses M - Thank you. I'm sure I shall come out of it fine..albeit, slightly worn out. It should all be worth it..
Jax - How true. We human can somehow bear anything..maybe that's what's making us persist in this world.
When one sits down to type the words out..as they feel them..however rich those words may be, however true a feeling they might convey..they don't know how to dive into the rawness of it all.
I do see the parallels. So you need to answer the question!
:-)
Jax - Quite true. Sometimes music can anchor you..or help you let the emotions out. It isn't as limiting as words.
.:A:. - Ha. We can take it as Part II, but it doesn't seem to go right in with Part I. If it were to be Part II, I'd have imagined more of a nice ending..or a harsh one too. But I'd never hold it in this way..in suspended longing. :)
If it weren't to be Part II..then when else can there be a more apt Part II??
Take your pick. :)
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