detoxify

i've left, again.

i'd have once turned and asked you to catch me. i would have sneaked a peek back to see if you still wanted me to stay. i, most assuredly, would've hunt this place and that or watched you more closely just to see if you'd leave any trace of your longing. if this was me before, i would've left a number of hints for you to pick up on. i have always been the person who kept my doors open for you. and you know me, i would've held onto any bit of you in my desperate fashion.

but what's the point in that?

i opened my mind to you like a wet carpet of grass for you to leave transparent footprints on. i unlocked the doors to my scared heart so that you could scorch it with your words. i reveled in that sweet torture, for i knew you respected and cared for it. every fibre of my being ached for the glory of your presence each day. i wanted the simpler things with you in the end.

then the time had come.

you know, you'd think of it as some kind of emotional whim. or me just scurrying away from the spotlight of responsibility. i really don't care anymore. there came that time, a short while back, when i looked at this screen and wondered why were you doing the things you did. why were you reading me, in the context of you, this closely. it was strange how you thought i was too melancholic and delved too deep into trivial matters. why strange, in particular? because - sometimes, you too are melancholic (or you wouldn't be drawn to me). because - there have been times when you mapped counter-strokes so carefully (which we know takes much too much thought).

oh well.

you were the one who taught me about the uncomplicated transactions of give and take. it's been a long lesson so far and i hope you think i've come out, at the end of it, as your successful student. at this time, i give you space and take mine. now, i give you understanding and, in exchange, want respect. henceforth, i give you freedom and take my silence back.

---

it's been a good journey so far. i've learnt what i possibly could and will pick up on whatever was left behind. i need my time to keep away from you. because you lure me so. you make me your plaything. you treat me in a way i wish not to be treated. any longer and you'd become a horror i'd want to escape from. i cannot promise you to expect something at all. except that i'd come back. with what..? we'll find out at that time.

bye.