Script Change - Part II [Who am I?]

I was infuriated with Father. He was badgering me, that's what I kept thinking. We were engaged in, what I imagined to be, a rather heated argument for more than an hour. He kept touching many points of my life, personality, self and other issues throughout this time. I was just not aware of that. I only kept dodging him or throwing the ball back at him in acute rebellion. I remember Jojo telling me how the other members of the group were closely watching what was happening to me. I wish I was doing the same.

Father took me to various levels of my own self. He probed me at pertinent points and ventured into areas that I wouldn't have let anyone even peep. I'd like to start with the beginning of him having hit bull's eye till where he left me.

Father: Then who are you?
M: [grinning] So you're asking me what you've asked everyone else.
Father: So what if I asked everyone else and I'm now asking you. Who are you?
M: I am...I don't know! I am so many things and people at the same time!
Father: No, you cannot be so many people and things at the same time. Now tell me, who are you?
M: I don't like you asking me these kind of questions. I am...how can I ever answer this! What do you mean by "who am I?"
Father: It is a noun that comes after such a question. Think of who you are and convert it into a noun.
M: Why not use just my own name?
Father: That's a label that your parents and society put for you. Like the various products available in the supermarket have certain names. Are you one of those products displayed in the supermarket?
M: [angrily] No.
Father: Ah. So who are you then?
M: I just don't know how to answer you. I cannot think of an adjective now and convert it into a noun. You're confusing me, Father.
Father: Good. Then remain with that confusion. You can come out of it. I think that this is the core issue. This is where the problem is.
M: It's like you've taken me into some dark tunnel and there's absolutely no light anywhere. I just don't know which way to turn. And everywhere I turn, it's just a dead-end.
Father: Remain with that confusion.
[After about 5 minutes]
M: Okay. I've the answer. I am Truth.
Father: Truth. Are you truthful to yourself at all times, every moment?
M: Well...atleast when I'm alone by myself!
[Everyone's laughing by now - even me.]

Who am I? It was the most hard, scary and naked question to ask myself.

The next morning we had dynamic meditation. The whole time I wished for a miracle to happen. I imagined cinematic things like this graceful realization to dawn upon me - as if it were the voice of God - telling me who am I. That day all I did was saunter about and look at the trees, the sky, the fish, the butterflies, the people and hope that one of these would give me the answer. I was like a fretful child who wanted her parents to instantly give her the pretty doll she wants. By night-time I was frustrated and, frankly, irritated with Father for having done this to me. A day had passed with no answers.

Dynamic meditation made a world of a difference the morning when realization did, infact, dawn upon me. There's a part, at the end, where we dance to some soothing music. There are different stages that we go through before arriving at this one. Upon coming to this final one of dancing, we've already stepped out of the garb of thinking and are simply delighting in the joy of being free. It's a pristine, child-like enthusiasm that grips us when we begin dancing. It was at this point when I felt some warmth touch my arm (our eyes are closed all through). I started walking toward this source of warmth and felt my other arm, chest, legs, soon my face enveloped in this shell of warmth. I imagined a golden light encasing me. I felt a breeze touch my right arm. It first licked my fingers and then my whole arm. In a few minutes I was buoyant in this warmth that felt like a protective balm all around me and this breeze that lifted me beyond my normal sense of happiness. All I felt was a great love pouring in and out of me. I felt a wondrous tug in my very being and I could feel myself swallowed into the ocean of love's great power. I felt a rush coming out of me and I could see, in my mind's eye, how I allowed my love to flow and cover all my other group members with it. I embalmed them with my love.

It was an experience to be only felt. Mere words will never show you what was this immense peace and happiness I felt. I saw the world with different eyes. I felt so much freer. Free because I began allowing myself to be myself. I felt inexplicable independence and grace within me.

It was in the height of that marvelous experience that I realized that all my fight against God, my conditional faith, my debate to believe or not to, my anger, my sadness, my confusion, the influence of other's opinions, their induced cynicism - it was all futile. If I fight him, he'll still remain. If I don't believe him, he's not affected by it. If I apply my conditional faith, it doesn't change him. I saw I was fighting against my own self. I saw that I was a part of God and God a part of me. It is from here that all else emerges from.

That morning I was sitting by myself eating breakfast. Sister entered the room and joined me. We ate quietly for a few minutes. As I sipped my tea I turned toward her and asked, "So, Sister Candida, who are you?". She smiled and said, "I'm Sister Candida. God's child." I smiled in reciprocation and told her what happened to me during dynamic meditation. She said she had noticed how lovely my face looked when the meditation was over. I looked at her and told her, "Sister Candida, I am I. A part of God and He a part of me."

I can understand the atheist cynicism; I can understand the non-believers shaking their head in disagreement. To you, I will only smile. This is the person I am. You can be quite different from this. But the end answer is that you are you.

It is difficult, I'll tell you. To go deeper and deeper within yourself. It is the scariest of things to look within yourself and see how displeasing you are to your own self. To see how warped you are, to see how unhappy you are, to feel the anger against yourself, to know that you break the bonds you share with your own self, to see how alienated you are from yourself, to see how you cushion yourself in electronic gadgets or other tangible things, to know you drown yourself in too much work. But this is all the initial sadness that engulfs you. If you can bear it, if you can stand in the middle of this storm and let it pass - you will see the core of yourself in that. It is pure, unscathed, real and honest.

Once you know who you are, it becomes the backbone that keeps you standing upright. I had a great problem holding onto this. Infact, I did not know who I was most of the time. Like everyone else, I knew who I was only when I was calm. I lost my centre when I was thrown in the agony of confusion or company.

What do you get once you can answer the question honestly and openly? You get yourself. For all that you do comes from this very core - I am I. Your deeds, thoughts and feelings emerge from the I - and this I is a lovely person. This is the I that you are - not what you want to be. You want to be drunk, a drug-addict, a melancholic, an over-happy person, a gadget owner etc etc. Oftentimes, we live off what we want to be. I'd suggest you stop yourself when you're just about going to get drunk and ask yourself is this what you want or is this who you are. I drink alot and now I know the difference. If I still get drunk, it's because I choose to get drunk. This makes the distinction clear. I am I but today I choose to get drunk. I am aware. The problem is that the word want is abused. Soon, we learn how to live the 'want'. Do you remember when your parents and relatives asked you what you want to become when you grow up? When I was 13 I said I want to become a psychologist. I am a psychologist (soon) by profession too. I became what I want. Hence, as children we've been programmed to become whatever we want to - making that very word a dangerous one. I'm sure that now as grown-ups we might think we are aware of the difference of wanting and being, but we are not. It's an unconscious programming which cannot be taken out of our system too easily.

I digressed. As I was saying, you gain alot from knowing the answer to this vital question. It can relieve some; it can give a deep perspective to some others. One thing is guaranteed, it does make one feel happy and free because the I is a beautiful person. The common thread in mankind - explaining why we are social beings - is that we are amazing beings. We have so much love, kindness, greatness, selflessness, care, the good and the wonderful within us. And this is the place where we issue forth from.

This is a breakthrough experience. This is an experience that will shatter the very ground you stand on and you'll feel the stronger ground beneath the loose one you've set for yourself along the years. If you've already found the authentic ground, then you'll make it even more firm. I only wish that you have this life-altering experience at some point in your lives. For we cannot be what we are, how our state of thinking is, the whys we've answered through our life - and still be honestly happy. We can only be who we are and feel a pristine peace. This is our identity.