Yet another year is soon going to wrap itself into a neat memory. And yet again I will catch myself wondering how could this year deliver such indescribable happiness and awful sadness in one single blow. I'm inevitably caught in that odd combination of joy and depression during this time of the year which leaves a residual taste all the way till my birthday. It's most probably my doing (which it really is), but events place themselves almost perfectly in tandem - where there's something to rejoice, there's a reason to cry.
I'm doing well at work, I've interviews with the big hospitals and I'm lucky enough to not only have contacts, but also the required skills for my profession. When I think of how I'm slowly but steadily climbing the ladder, I realize that my grandfather is not here to celebrate. It hurts to think that the one person who never deterred in his faith in me is dead. All these people who now pat my back to congratulate me feel like fakes. They were people who sniggered and waited for me to mess up, but somehow in the long run I seem to be making it. My boss is pleased with me that now she gives the keys to her office without batting an eyelid, tells people that I'm valuable to the department and I've earned my colleagues' respect. And who do I share this with? The people who doubted me all along or the ones who haven't a clue about my profession?
I'm in a good place personally speaking too. I've grown up over the past year, I'm in tune with who I am and I'm comfortable with it. I've learnt to acknowledge my shortcomings and work on them. I'm a happier person than I used to be. Alongside this comes the pressure of 'settling down'. Finding the right guy seems like a chore to me. Meet some guys, reject a a few, be rejected by a few, chance upon a nice guy and he ends up being just as insecure as the previous one. It's a tedious job which is most unfulfilling. It makes me wonder if I had finished my stipulated number of boyfriends/lovers/partners with my ex. That's a worrying thought. I'm told I'm a Brahmin like as if I've blue blood flowing through my veins. I hate that. I read articles about Dalits being killed and here are my relatives gloating with pride that I'm one of the few purebred sub-sect of Brahmins that we belong to. I wear this ugly stain of being Brahmin everyday.
I'm increasingly aware of how lucky I am. I've parents who have been so kind, patient and understanding with me. I've friends who are honest, loving and willing to spend time with me. My cousins are great fun and we always have a blast when they come over. I'm making some new friends, albeit they don't live in my city! And yet, I'm all alone. I'm done with my break from relationships, I want a full-time boyfriend. I want a guy I can love and be loved by. Why is it that such a simple need remains the most difficult to achieve?
I do not like year endings. They tie my stomach into knots. I've the excitement and anticipation of what's going to happen next year. I always foresee fantastic things happening in my life. However, I'm riddled with the fear that my plans for next year won't come through. What if I'm stranded in the middle of my dream with nothing and no one? What if he falls in love with someone and leaves me behind? What if I plan and plan and fuck up the execution part?
Despite these opposite occurrences in my current life, I'm gradually becoming aware that in the breaking down of my self-esteem and self-worth I find the strength in my character and convictions. I don't believe in resolutions. But I know that I will not depend on you, you and you for my happiness, self-belief and success. I will wear that smile I've worn through the rough times. And I will know that there's good in everything - be it hardship, tough luck or bad boys.
I'm doing well at work, I've interviews with the big hospitals and I'm lucky enough to not only have contacts, but also the required skills for my profession. When I think of how I'm slowly but steadily climbing the ladder, I realize that my grandfather is not here to celebrate. It hurts to think that the one person who never deterred in his faith in me is dead. All these people who now pat my back to congratulate me feel like fakes. They were people who sniggered and waited for me to mess up, but somehow in the long run I seem to be making it. My boss is pleased with me that now she gives the keys to her office without batting an eyelid, tells people that I'm valuable to the department and I've earned my colleagues' respect. And who do I share this with? The people who doubted me all along or the ones who haven't a clue about my profession?
I'm in a good place personally speaking too. I've grown up over the past year, I'm in tune with who I am and I'm comfortable with it. I've learnt to acknowledge my shortcomings and work on them. I'm a happier person than I used to be. Alongside this comes the pressure of 'settling down'. Finding the right guy seems like a chore to me. Meet some guys, reject a a few, be rejected by a few, chance upon a nice guy and he ends up being just as insecure as the previous one. It's a tedious job which is most unfulfilling. It makes me wonder if I had finished my stipulated number of boyfriends/lovers/partners with my ex. That's a worrying thought. I'm told I'm a Brahmin like as if I've blue blood flowing through my veins. I hate that. I read articles about Dalits being killed and here are my relatives gloating with pride that I'm one of the few purebred sub-sect of Brahmins that we belong to. I wear this ugly stain of being Brahmin everyday.
I'm increasingly aware of how lucky I am. I've parents who have been so kind, patient and understanding with me. I've friends who are honest, loving and willing to spend time with me. My cousins are great fun and we always have a blast when they come over. I'm making some new friends, albeit they don't live in my city! And yet, I'm all alone. I'm done with my break from relationships, I want a full-time boyfriend. I want a guy I can love and be loved by. Why is it that such a simple need remains the most difficult to achieve?
I do not like year endings. They tie my stomach into knots. I've the excitement and anticipation of what's going to happen next year. I always foresee fantastic things happening in my life. However, I'm riddled with the fear that my plans for next year won't come through. What if I'm stranded in the middle of my dream with nothing and no one? What if he falls in love with someone and leaves me behind? What if I plan and plan and fuck up the execution part?
Despite these opposite occurrences in my current life, I'm gradually becoming aware that in the breaking down of my self-esteem and self-worth I find the strength in my character and convictions. I don't believe in resolutions. But I know that I will not depend on you, you and you for my happiness, self-belief and success. I will wear that smile I've worn through the rough times. And I will know that there's good in everything - be it hardship, tough luck or bad boys.
