I have never known love such as this. It comes from places I didn't know existed in me. Tears pool in my eyes as I drink in your scent still clinging to the sweater you left here. I blame my hands for not mapping your skin enough. I wish I could have explored you again and again and again like a greedy animal. I wish I could have communicated to you how deeply, truly I'm in love with you. Maybe you guessed it in the way I lovingly folded your pants? Or perhaps you felt it when I brought you the occasional cup of morning coffee? I certainly hope you felt it in the way my eyes dressed you every moment of the day. How I wish my love for you could have enveloped you.
***
Funny how I spent 24 years preparing for you. When I look back there is a sea of heart breaks, failures and realities I swam through to reach you. My ugly story is normal in this world I live in. But it's deplorable in ours, isn't it? You took your time to find me. You ignored me when I communicated love to you over and over again. Just when I stopped preparing for you, you thrashed my doors open. You said you forgive me my previous men, my temper, my madness and my moods. You remind me you've chosen me despite the many options you had. Like you're doing me a favor. Funny, you know, how I never sought options. I simply sought lessons to be better prepared for you. And you, with your large heart, forgave me those lessons.
***
I seldom bemoan the hand that was dealt to me. I believe that God only lays the map and we make the choices. I choose the course of my life every single day. I believe it is our duty to listen to our calling. Follow the light, always follow that light. I withered harsh words, incorrect opinions and sniggers because I followed my dreams, my calling. I was a girl caught in a strangely conservative yet modern family. I was a girl brought up in an unusual way. The mother who taught me to believe in myself, to be independent and unafraid now lashes out at me. For one last time, I have to fight a low opinion, tough words and loud curses. I never knew that following a calling I have so desperately waited for was wrong.
***
You lie so poorly. You get your stories wrong, you grapple for an easy explanation and gently put me on a guilt trip. You really think I'm a fool, don't you? Did you think I wouldn't find your gaping mistakes? I do not like dishonesty. If you make a mistake, I'll forgive it. Come clean. Wither my wrath at that moment, for I always forgive you for the sake of our greater happiness. The one thing I dislike with a passion is a bad liar. If I catch you, tell me the truth. When your stories are lousily tied up, I realize it's not worth my effort to have faith in you.
***
I know I love you because love completes me. Even when the things I consider to be the basic tenets of a relationship have disappeared, even though a part of me is straining to see the truth in you, even when there's an occasional storm of anger brewing inside my heart. I love you as passionately as I always did. Somehow, the little things don't bother me anymore. A tear in the fabric of our life together hardly grabs my long-term attention. These day-to-day wear and tear leaves me unaffected. That's when I know that I don't simply love you, but I like you too.
And to like someone is harder. You would know.
***
Funny how I spent 24 years preparing for you. When I look back there is a sea of heart breaks, failures and realities I swam through to reach you. My ugly story is normal in this world I live in. But it's deplorable in ours, isn't it? You took your time to find me. You ignored me when I communicated love to you over and over again. Just when I stopped preparing for you, you thrashed my doors open. You said you forgive me my previous men, my temper, my madness and my moods. You remind me you've chosen me despite the many options you had. Like you're doing me a favor. Funny, you know, how I never sought options. I simply sought lessons to be better prepared for you. And you, with your large heart, forgave me those lessons.
***
I seldom bemoan the hand that was dealt to me. I believe that God only lays the map and we make the choices. I choose the course of my life every single day. I believe it is our duty to listen to our calling. Follow the light, always follow that light. I withered harsh words, incorrect opinions and sniggers because I followed my dreams, my calling. I was a girl caught in a strangely conservative yet modern family. I was a girl brought up in an unusual way. The mother who taught me to believe in myself, to be independent and unafraid now lashes out at me. For one last time, I have to fight a low opinion, tough words and loud curses. I never knew that following a calling I have so desperately waited for was wrong.
***
You lie so poorly. You get your stories wrong, you grapple for an easy explanation and gently put me on a guilt trip. You really think I'm a fool, don't you? Did you think I wouldn't find your gaping mistakes? I do not like dishonesty. If you make a mistake, I'll forgive it. Come clean. Wither my wrath at that moment, for I always forgive you for the sake of our greater happiness. The one thing I dislike with a passion is a bad liar. If I catch you, tell me the truth. When your stories are lousily tied up, I realize it's not worth my effort to have faith in you.
***
I know I love you because love completes me. Even when the things I consider to be the basic tenets of a relationship have disappeared, even though a part of me is straining to see the truth in you, even when there's an occasional storm of anger brewing inside my heart. I love you as passionately as I always did. Somehow, the little things don't bother me anymore. A tear in the fabric of our life together hardly grabs my long-term attention. These day-to-day wear and tear leaves me unaffected. That's when I know that I don't simply love you, but I like you too.
And to like someone is harder. You would know.
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