Now those memories that used to light up my dark, dreary days have become a cheap wail. I can feel them turn into dust in my eyes blinding me with its futility. What purpose do you have coming into my diary of recollections? There is no need for you to heap my happiness into a great mound and burn it with the sharpness, the utter brightness of your distaste for me.
***
Do you remember that romantic dinner we arranged? I cooked. You lit the candles. I gave you a tiny teddy bear. You gave me a pretty necklace. I giggled as you clasped it around my neck. You bent and smelt the sweet smell of my hair. You went back to the other side of the tiny table and we began to eat. The candle cast odd shadows on my face as it moved into a smile. You thought the setting was precious. I did not.
***
I wept terribly one night. I wept for all the love that was stuck in my veins. The love that was suffocating me. The love that refused to set me free. Then..just like that..I was released of the constant, continuous and cruel pain of our wasted love. Little did I know that as love left me it slid like a treacherous snake into your heart and poisoned you. It is not love anymore. It is the awful resonance of someone else's misgivings packed into a twice terrible potion that is running through your blood. Don't you see? It is strangling you by distorting me.
***
I think we all go through our lives grudging everyone for not caring to know us, bond with us, understand us. You know why we are so unhappy? Always wanting, wanting, wanting? Because we are forever searching for a something we will never find in human beings.
***
Please remember to wash your eyes of all this man made sadness, resentment, remembrances, melancholy, desperation, vexation. Nurse your eyes with the sweet, cool balm of forgiveness. Forgive God for the rough hand he lay upon you, forgive that old lover for their deeds, forgive the mother for not understanding, the father for the excessive demands, the stranger who did not listen. Forgive yourself for not having let go. Just, please, wash your eyes with the water of fresh starts. Let the past burn down to dust and cast the ashes along the oceans of possibilities. Let newness embrace you while you walk forward. Please.
***
Do you remember that romantic dinner we arranged? I cooked. You lit the candles. I gave you a tiny teddy bear. You gave me a pretty necklace. I giggled as you clasped it around my neck. You bent and smelt the sweet smell of my hair. You went back to the other side of the tiny table and we began to eat. The candle cast odd shadows on my face as it moved into a smile. You thought the setting was precious. I did not.
***
I wept terribly one night. I wept for all the love that was stuck in my veins. The love that was suffocating me. The love that refused to set me free. Then..just like that..I was released of the constant, continuous and cruel pain of our wasted love. Little did I know that as love left me it slid like a treacherous snake into your heart and poisoned you. It is not love anymore. It is the awful resonance of someone else's misgivings packed into a twice terrible potion that is running through your blood. Don't you see? It is strangling you by distorting me.
***
I think we all go through our lives grudging everyone for not caring to know us, bond with us, understand us. You know why we are so unhappy? Always wanting, wanting, wanting? Because we are forever searching for a something we will never find in human beings.
***
Please remember to wash your eyes of all this man made sadness, resentment, remembrances, melancholy, desperation, vexation. Nurse your eyes with the sweet, cool balm of forgiveness. Forgive God for the rough hand he lay upon you, forgive that old lover for their deeds, forgive the mother for not understanding, the father for the excessive demands, the stranger who did not listen. Forgive yourself for not having let go. Just, please, wash your eyes with the water of fresh starts. Let the past burn down to dust and cast the ashes along the oceans of possibilities. Let newness embrace you while you walk forward. Please.
No comments:
Post a Comment