I'm getting married on Nov 21st, 2008. I'm marrying the guy I consider to be my calling. I have waged my wars, shed my tears, discarded my fears and defied the length and breadth of my family tree. I have seen my mom's dreams crumble, my dad's foundation shake and my life turn upside down. I've hardened my heart and shamelessly moved on.
So am I happy? I don't know. I used to be thrilled that I'm living one more of my dreams. Now, having traveled several miles from the battlefield, I can see the spoils of my war. I now bear in my heart the grudge that no one understands me, what happened to me and what is happening to me. I still see a mother grappling for some joy, belief and esteem in my decisions. I can see that I've hurt her on so many levels that I should not be forgiven for it. I listen to the fatigue and fear laced in my dad's feigned strength. The voice in my head is saying that I need to be patient..that this too shall pass.
I'm flooded by calls, emails, messages from my family giving me a varied feedback. One is so unhappy with me..she has the capacity to make me feel like I ought to die. Another is nonchalant..she's just a prop in the wedding. The younger ones are excited, demanding I get the expensive clothes, special mehendi designs. Another cousin is quietly supporting me..she's sailing in a similar boat, you see.
This wedding is not about me. It's about them. Slowly, I'm seeing that this life will soon not be mine. It'll be their's and his. Suddenly, all is naught.
So am I happy? I don't know. I used to be thrilled that I'm living one more of my dreams. Now, having traveled several miles from the battlefield, I can see the spoils of my war. I now bear in my heart the grudge that no one understands me, what happened to me and what is happening to me. I still see a mother grappling for some joy, belief and esteem in my decisions. I can see that I've hurt her on so many levels that I should not be forgiven for it. I listen to the fatigue and fear laced in my dad's feigned strength. The voice in my head is saying that I need to be patient..that this too shall pass.
I'm flooded by calls, emails, messages from my family giving me a varied feedback. One is so unhappy with me..she has the capacity to make me feel like I ought to die. Another is nonchalant..she's just a prop in the wedding. The younger ones are excited, demanding I get the expensive clothes, special mehendi designs. Another cousin is quietly supporting me..she's sailing in a similar boat, you see.
This wedding is not about me. It's about them. Slowly, I'm seeing that this life will soon not be mine. It'll be their's and his. Suddenly, all is naught.
