You never realize how horrible your weaknesses are until you get into a relationship. A few months on and I see the worst of me lifting its ugly head. Suddenly all my past mistakes come flooding to me in a vain attempt to rescue me from my current slip into depression. I'm too sensitive, hasty, quick to judge, fatalistic, demanding...oh..the list screams into my face. Every waking (and now sleeping) moment is plagued by the rank smell of my limitations. I have shackled myself with my many shortcomings.
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I have no way to escape myself. I'm stuck. I don't want to be me. I don't want to be caged with just me. I don't want to confront myself. I don't want to live with what I'm becoming. I'm meek, I'm emotional, I'm depressive and I lost my sense of joy. It's now in so many other people's hands. My life, my pleasures, my dreams and my being is entangled with the life of many others. They dictate my thoughts, they alert my insecurities and their assertiveness mocks me.
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It's interesting to watch how my mind plays tricks on me. When I'm left utterly alone with a muddled morning head, I don't do very much. For an energetic person, I, rather surprisingly, become motionless when alone. So I lounge about morosely in the various corners of my house recapping the miserable loneliness I used to experience in the past few years when away from home. Now, with some age and apparent maturity, I can watch what used to make me sad. Well, I can atleast get a grasp how my mind works during those times. You'll be disappointed to know that I've found out nothing fantastic from these observations. Turns out, I'm a sad nut job rolled into a partially analytical mind.
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I seek half-hearted companionship at night. I misinterpret tiredness as a lack of love. I seek shallow friendship in the morning. I misunderstand being busy as a disinterest. I seek snatches of togetherness in the evenings. I read your unwinding as a 'leave-me-alone' sign.
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I'm sorting my feelings out. It's not easy being married, I gather. You have feelings you didn't know even existed. It's a whole new range and quality of emotions. I savour the good ones like bursts of joy, happiness, comfort, love, excitement, passion. I'm enslaved by the bad ones. You see, the good feelings are cosy to have around. The bad ones make me into a bad person. They are like mean ministers advising me to spiral into silence or depression. They tell me that all this is permanent. Suddenly the voice of my goodness becomes meek. Then things just get worse. And I land in this moment. Where I am sorting my feelings out coz I have ample time to, there's no one disturbing me. I have my feelings stinging my eyes, and I start talking to myself. I have two voices simultaneously battling for space. One goads me to get hurt, another says I'm being silly. So I become quiet. And get further misinterpreted.
---
Apparently, I wither at the slightest lack of love.
---
I have no way to escape myself. I'm stuck. I don't want to be me. I don't want to be caged with just me. I don't want to confront myself. I don't want to live with what I'm becoming. I'm meek, I'm emotional, I'm depressive and I lost my sense of joy. It's now in so many other people's hands. My life, my pleasures, my dreams and my being is entangled with the life of many others. They dictate my thoughts, they alert my insecurities and their assertiveness mocks me.
---
It's interesting to watch how my mind plays tricks on me. When I'm left utterly alone with a muddled morning head, I don't do very much. For an energetic person, I, rather surprisingly, become motionless when alone. So I lounge about morosely in the various corners of my house recapping the miserable loneliness I used to experience in the past few years when away from home. Now, with some age and apparent maturity, I can watch what used to make me sad. Well, I can atleast get a grasp how my mind works during those times. You'll be disappointed to know that I've found out nothing fantastic from these observations. Turns out, I'm a sad nut job rolled into a partially analytical mind.
---
I seek half-hearted companionship at night. I misinterpret tiredness as a lack of love. I seek shallow friendship in the morning. I misunderstand being busy as a disinterest. I seek snatches of togetherness in the evenings. I read your unwinding as a 'leave-me-alone' sign.
---
I'm sorting my feelings out. It's not easy being married, I gather. You have feelings you didn't know even existed. It's a whole new range and quality of emotions. I savour the good ones like bursts of joy, happiness, comfort, love, excitement, passion. I'm enslaved by the bad ones. You see, the good feelings are cosy to have around. The bad ones make me into a bad person. They are like mean ministers advising me to spiral into silence or depression. They tell me that all this is permanent. Suddenly the voice of my goodness becomes meek. Then things just get worse. And I land in this moment. Where I am sorting my feelings out coz I have ample time to, there's no one disturbing me. I have my feelings stinging my eyes, and I start talking to myself. I have two voices simultaneously battling for space. One goads me to get hurt, another says I'm being silly. So I become quiet. And get further misinterpreted.
---
Apparently, I wither at the slightest lack of love.
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