No, I don't believe.

I have dabbled, challenged, succumbed, cheated myself, avoided, but always revisited my thoughts on religion. Born in a country steeped in frenzied idol-worship that negates all modern common-sense, it was natural that I inherited my families' and culture's god-fearing madness. I was told many stories about this monkey faced god, that elephant faced god who was actually a real human being with real human features, the god who abandoned his wife for the sake of his people. Being a Hindu, I was at liberty to pick whichever god I wanted to believe in. It meant that I still visited temples that are frequented by my family, but I also was given the space and opportunity to worship my favorite god. I picked the elephant god. Mostly coz he looked cute and seemed to cover all areas important to me - education, intelligence, life, wealth. Our family staunchly believed a god of two wives, always in debt, nestled in a cosy rich hill. I was always thrown around in a sea of maniacal crowd of bald-headed people crazily chanting 'his' name, and my grandmother always protecting the smallest girl in our little group. Funny how despite that claustrophobic madness, some guy was always able to grope you! Did he not think that god could see him touching my bum? Was it that his misdeeds will be cleansed because he was in 'his' presence and he forgives all? I almost always wished that these guys who touched me inappropriately were not wily, bald-headed, turmeric smeared, stinky guys. But god doesn't grant all your wishes.

I then spent a good few years not contemplating god, but rather going through the motions. My dad, a loyal and loud atheist, despised the rituals but loved the banquet of food during festivals. He was always the first to lay the table and eat literally kilos of sweet in one sitting. Of course, he had to beat my dog who stealthily ate up the 'payaasam' (a milk noodle soupy sweet). I enjoyed the family togetherness....those rare days when no one was rudely screaming at each other, and that was enough for my heart. I wondered where was people's piousness when they were hurling abuses at their parents, partners, children, maids... I suppose loud arguments was also a way of life, just as these blind rituals were.

I swung back into my desperate belief in god when I spent a couple of years flitting through life. Clueless, I had to hold onto something. God was convenient. Yet, sometimes the thin voice of reason found its way into my head, whereupon I'd quickly admit there's no god, but there's definitely a power, an energy in the universe. Yes, I believed in the universe. I put requests out there for things to happen in my life and sure as hell, when your dad coughs up the money and the UK grants you a visa, all requests get fulfilled...! I continued to critically appraise my dad, but the universe I never doubted.

I've come a full circle, and look at myself. Rites of passage. Being told you should believe, catching the irony of belief, questioning it, going through the motions, conveniently believing, and then adopting a skewed logic.

I don't believe in god. I don't believe in an 'universe'. I don't believe in religion. I don't believe in a power. I don't believe in a past-life. I don't believe in an elephant god with a sweet face and chubby body. I don't endorse any image, idol, or songs of any god in my house. Would a merciful god say I need to walk exactly 110 circles around his temple to be blessed? I did 109 and still got to sit in the front of the car. Why do god-believers start making disapproving remarks about their children soon after praying? How is it that god took away my grandfathers without giving me a chance to say goodbye? Because god didn't.

However, I cannot be an atheist. My dad has courage to contemplate that this is it. This life is it. There's nothing more ahead. I cannot accept that my life is insignificant, that there's nothing for me once I die. I cannot be a full-stop. Atheist are brave people....because they can accept that when their life comes to a grinding halt, there's nothing more to it.

On a good day, I'll say I'm an atheist because it gives me the drive to be of consequence while still alive. Since the older I get the rarer good days are, I've decided to call myself an agnostic. There might be something out there. I'll find out when I die. Maybe I can visit the dreams of those believers to report back ;)