Script Change – Part I [Intimacy]

Note: I've been doing nothing lately. I'm in that phase where I'm sinking in the things that I've learnt, done, changed and experienced. So, forgive me if I sound didactic, dry or like I'm dishing out a sermon. These are things I wish to share, hoping that I can give atleast one person something to feel and think over. Not that it might change another's life the way it did mine, though. All I can give is what I learnt. The experience is your own. Hence, please do me the favor of leaving my observations and experience untarnished. If you do not want to share or you seem to disagree, that, honestly, is your own block and problem.

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I remember these little exercises we were asked to do. I like to call them games. They were fun and broke the monotony of theory.

Well. We were being taught and shown through various activities that the core of our problems lay in us shirking intimacy. Intimacy is authentically expressing our need, desire, feelings. Intimacy is the deepest and most fulfilling way of sharing oneself with no expectation of reciprocation. It's the most permission giving, humble and barrier-breaking method of human relations. Intimacy is the only, and I mean only, way to reach out to anyone..it is the most powerful gift that we have been given.

Now, we all find intimacy rather tough. We were trained - by society, our parents, our own selves - that expressing our genuine feelings is hurtful and painful, not to mention proves us to be weak (in the case of fear). Then I got to know that the problem there was that we expected something in return. Another problem with being intimate is our mind. Most of us thinking individuals have this devious tendency to intellectualize everything. Our feelings get transformed into thoughts. They are either completely ignored by complex thought processes or are dissected till they are absolutely nothing under the glare of our mind. As if our feelings are to be condemned for having existed. I believe that most of the people who are presently reading my post suffer from this very same problem. I, being one such person, found it tremendously difficult to still my mind, to look within and touch the most basic, most real feeling I was experiencing.

We were told that we have four basic feelings. To make it easy to remember they are - Sad, Mad, Glad and Scared. Now that's something I quickly, experientially and logically, understood. Then came the hard part. You see, I have a mind that thinks overtime. It thinks, assesses, analyzes, thinks again, shreds and dissects everything. For a long time it refused to understand that beneath sadness lay fear. Beneath anger (mad) lay hurt or fear. And it goes on in this way.

I didn't realize this for a long, long time. I kept running around in circles. Experimenting with this new exercise or that new theory that I learnt. And I constantly experienced a block. A certain kind of unfulfillment. I couldn't understand why was I withdrawing, why was I still unhappy. How could I, who picked up on these four basic feelings quite adeptly now, still be unable to feel that completeness that I ought to? Why, oh why, am I still running around in circles??

Then we had this exercise.

We were told to look at the person on our right and ask a single question. Whatever came to our mind; the first thing. The man on my left, Sebastian, looked at me and asked me - "What are you doing in the evening?".
I looked at the man on my right, Vijay, and asked him - "When shall we have tea?"
Vijay asked Almas - "What are you going to do after class?"
Almas asked Jency - "Will you be working in the garden after tea?"
Jency asked Regi - "Do you think you can help me in the garden today?"
Regi asked Jojo - "Are you going to iron your clothes after tea?"
Jojo asked Jose - "What time is it?"
Jose asked Candida - "When shall we start on dynamic meditation?"

We were, now, asked to convert our questions into statements which expressed what we really wanted to say. Each of us took a minute to look deep within ourselves and touch on that genuine desire (or need) which prompted us to ask that question. It was difficult. Oh, we struggled for a long time to frame our statements. We, inevitably, used to end up with another question! Finally, we succeeded. On our own. Here is what we eventually said.

Sebastian - "M, the weather is lovely today. I enjoy the calmness and the clouds, it's breezy even. I want to go out for a walk with you so that we both can enjoy the weather. I would love it if you can join me for a walk."
M - "Vijay, I love the weather today. After a long time it's this pleasant and cool. I absolutely love it when the sky is filled with grey clouds. I want to enjoy a cup of hot tea in the garden right now!"
Vijay - "Almas, I was happy to have you help us at the garden yesterday. Your presence was warm and it felt like we were a family working together. I hope you will be able to join us today.”
Almas - "Jency, I had a great and wonderful time working with you in the garden. I felt very happy when you encouraged me. I want to work again with you today."
Jency - "Regi, I have alot of work to do in the garden today. I cannot do it on my own as I've got my back ache again. I would really be grateful to you if you could help me today."
Regi - "Jojo, I want to go to the garden and complete my work that I left pending yesterday. I would really like it if you could iron my shirt for me, if you were ironing yours."
Jojo - "Jose, I am getting bored in the class. I want to go downstairs and drink a cup of hot tea and talk to everyone. I love to spend time with our group."
Jose - "Candida, I am getting irritated with the postponement of our dynamic meditation. I wish there was a more systematic schedule. I feel let down. Especially because I'm curious about this meditation and you said we’d start soon."

To tap on our feelings, to own them, to state them.

I tell you, there is nothing like being honest. It was one trying journey to finally get to realize my deeper, hidden, authentic feeling. Now that I can clearly accept and take responsibility for them, I have become aware. Awareness heals. Awareness is a self-correcting tool that most of the world is unwilling to accept. With awareness one is, quite frankly, free.

Intimacy is the quickest, most authentic way to building strong and lasting relationships. Intimacy gives me two important pay-offs. One, with these rich relationships my identity, hence my growth, increases. Second, with identifying my genuine feelings, I am aware of myself and what is happening within me.

Reminds me of something I wrote years ago (which goes to prove that a child's mind is the purest mind) - "Me being honest gives you the permission to be honest too. What more great a gift can I give us!"