She's been subjecting him to the torrent of her anger and grudges. For ten days he has serenely faced this deluge of abuse and for these ten days he floundered about in his confused state of deteriorated esteem. Today is his eleventh and today he has succumbed to her impenetrable hatred, her wall of dislike. It is only today that I have seen the distinct lines of defeat drawn all across his face - for today is the day that he has truly aged.
---
The day is nearing and my fears are larger than ever. I fear the days of solitude that lay ahead of me, the sheer loneliness that will rip through me and the fact that there is absolutely no tangible help that I can call upon. My separation anxiety is huger than I could imagine and I am engulfed in the early sorrow of my departure. I am fermenting in my fears, anxiety and sadness.
---
Routine is something that has set in. They have a said pattern in their mornings, evenings and nights. They're talk is just a farce because more words are being exchanged through their silences. Sometimes they have pristine moments where they share the simple joys of what their lives have to offer. Other times they are caught in the quagmire of their relentless pride and unquenched personal desires. I ask them what do they want from each other. The answer is that they want the same things - togetherness, companionship, love. But, you see, they want it in their own, defined ways.
---
Time is a haze. It was like yesterday that the house was spilling with the splendor of relatives, cousins, aunts and uncles. The glory of what family could bring, money could buy and happiness could offer were endless and overwhelming. The house used to burst with the noise of a commotion caused by us bubbling kids and our nagging aunts. Not to mention, there was always the angelic power of our elders. Now things have changed. We kids are grown up and have become more senile and begrudging than our aged aunts. But the pure joy of a family coming together felt like yesterday. When did things change?
---
There have been countless people who have passed by and the lessons remain unlearnt. Silly conclusions and useless superstitions have taken the place of what should've been wisdom and maturity. I could've said and done alot more than I've given my timid self the permission to. I should've thought love through before feeling it. And when I am tortured by what I'm feeling, I ought to have the courage to say so. I simply underestimate myself. So, when he lets me speak up, I do not. Instead, I ascribe my feelings of insecurity onto him. For all that you know, he wouldn't shirk me when I say that I love him. Unfortunately, the past only tells me that he'll push me away. I wish he'd know I can handle rejection a bit better than a man can. Or maybe not.
Yes, I think too much and my demons have raised their evil heads. Again.
---
What is it about time that gives you no peace? The fact that it slips away. Transcending its imperceptible power brings me to the only sensible conclusion - I am caught in my personal web of time. Time has nothing against me; it's fluid. I am the rigid person who wants to put a stamp of numbers, reality, tangibility onto time. If only I can boldly take that one extra step upwards and see that I, too, can enjoy what time has to offer once I grasp the timelessness that actually is.
---
They have not been able to break down this wall. This wall of incommunicable frigidity, frozen emotions and distant care. They have received stingy words of affection, vague respect and the glass swords of resentment. They tried to penetrate this sealed world a bit too late. While they were blinded by the gaudy freedom they once lived in, the chances for patching things up had passed them by. And now, their souls are clamoring for a peace that they had forsaken.
---
Love was supposed to be simple and easy to figure out. But I've discovered it to be a messy affair with alot of turns and twists. The stench of past rejections, present fears and future decisions churns up such a strong distaste that it can be devastating. This is not love's fault - it's our conditioned mind's fault. It simply gives us no respite.
---
The day is nearing and my fears are larger than ever. I fear the days of solitude that lay ahead of me, the sheer loneliness that will rip through me and the fact that there is absolutely no tangible help that I can call upon. My separation anxiety is huger than I could imagine and I am engulfed in the early sorrow of my departure. I am fermenting in my fears, anxiety and sadness.
---
Routine is something that has set in. They have a said pattern in their mornings, evenings and nights. They're talk is just a farce because more words are being exchanged through their silences. Sometimes they have pristine moments where they share the simple joys of what their lives have to offer. Other times they are caught in the quagmire of their relentless pride and unquenched personal desires. I ask them what do they want from each other. The answer is that they want the same things - togetherness, companionship, love. But, you see, they want it in their own, defined ways.
---
Time is a haze. It was like yesterday that the house was spilling with the splendor of relatives, cousins, aunts and uncles. The glory of what family could bring, money could buy and happiness could offer were endless and overwhelming. The house used to burst with the noise of a commotion caused by us bubbling kids and our nagging aunts. Not to mention, there was always the angelic power of our elders. Now things have changed. We kids are grown up and have become more senile and begrudging than our aged aunts. But the pure joy of a family coming together felt like yesterday. When did things change?
---
There have been countless people who have passed by and the lessons remain unlearnt. Silly conclusions and useless superstitions have taken the place of what should've been wisdom and maturity. I could've said and done alot more than I've given my timid self the permission to. I should've thought love through before feeling it. And when I am tortured by what I'm feeling, I ought to have the courage to say so. I simply underestimate myself. So, when he lets me speak up, I do not. Instead, I ascribe my feelings of insecurity onto him. For all that you know, he wouldn't shirk me when I say that I love him. Unfortunately, the past only tells me that he'll push me away. I wish he'd know I can handle rejection a bit better than a man can. Or maybe not.
Yes, I think too much and my demons have raised their evil heads. Again.
---
What is it about time that gives you no peace? The fact that it slips away. Transcending its imperceptible power brings me to the only sensible conclusion - I am caught in my personal web of time. Time has nothing against me; it's fluid. I am the rigid person who wants to put a stamp of numbers, reality, tangibility onto time. If only I can boldly take that one extra step upwards and see that I, too, can enjoy what time has to offer once I grasp the timelessness that actually is.
---
They have not been able to break down this wall. This wall of incommunicable frigidity, frozen emotions and distant care. They have received stingy words of affection, vague respect and the glass swords of resentment. They tried to penetrate this sealed world a bit too late. While they were blinded by the gaudy freedom they once lived in, the chances for patching things up had passed them by. And now, their souls are clamoring for a peace that they had forsaken.
---
Love was supposed to be simple and easy to figure out. But I've discovered it to be a messy affair with alot of turns and twists. The stench of past rejections, present fears and future decisions churns up such a strong distaste that it can be devastating. This is not love's fault - it's our conditioned mind's fault. It simply gives us no respite.
5 comments:
deep and moving piece.
Gud to be back reading sensible posts. Too much to relate to.Time, relation, space, randomness..too much.
Well said about quagmire of pride.. I cud pick out a superlative to say wow damn gud a post, but too much pain between the lines.
bottom line is, there is none..
Time has nothing against me; it's fluid. I am the rigid person who wants to put a stamp of numbers, reality, tangibility onto time..hmmmm *stupefied*
..carpe diem...:)
Could relate to all of it... so much so, that I realised my eyes were moist at the end of it. And my heart now aches...
One XXL hug for you. Happy birthday. God bless you, with peace, joy and harmony. :-)
Hang on, cos the best part of the ride has yet to begin. :-)
I could not figure out how to post a comment on your later post, so am leaving my comment for that post on this one.
First of all belated happy birthday!! I hope it was not as bad as you had imagined and if it was then you might want to get a hint as to why you have had horrible birthdays (just picked up three words from your post for the purpose):
dreams, preparation, special
You say 'I catch myself asking this ungodly God for a simple, peaceful day instead of a fucking birthday. So give me atleast that, goddammit.' I think God did exactly what you are asking him to do, but the three words above might give you an indication of how YOU and not God has converted the simple, peaceful day into a BIRTHDAY. So maybe you want to redirect your wish for a simple, peaceful day to YOURSELF instead of God.
And I think that the above would suffice as a birthday gift you might want to (and according to me, you should) give to yourself.
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