it's all very easy for you
to sit on the other end of this
screen and sift through
what i say..
it's all quite neat for you
to react to these words and
sigh or feel a slight hint of worry
pass through your brow..
it's real convenient for you
to think i need to talk about it
and get it out of my system so
we can all just move on..
but you see, the trouble is
that it's not that simple for me
because if i could've stopped
i would've a long time ago..
if i knew how to protect myself
from the images of him, from the smokey smell
of him, from the way his brown eyes have
that intense look, his thin beard..
if i could un-remember the way he
would play with my hair,
take pictures when i least expect them,
how he always quietly waited for me
even though i came (religiously) 15 minutes late..
if i knew how i could keep away
from all the tiny moments we lived
together, if i knew how..
i would've. that's why
i'm in a state of mourning -
not for the love that he and i once
shared, but for the love that i still
carry in my heart..
i grieve for my poor heart that bears
the burden of love, unrequited.
i weep for my soul that is carrying on
all alone and brave.
i bemoan my incapability to find
peace in those nights when i recollect our
unfortunate fate, to make peace
with a man i cannot forget.
so leave me alone, dammit,
your thoughts, words, feelings and
help does nothing to me:
you're not bloody saving me.
i, goddammit, love him
and that's the cross that i bear:
how should i have known that
i can still feel this for him?
i don't need your stupid understanding
nod, or your shallow concern, or your feigned
effort of care - you just want to
pacify one of your insecurities.
so leave me, oh..leave me
to my black tears and pained, twisted
sorrow, for i have a love that haunts me
like a ghost trapped in a dusty house
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2 comments:
...will a *tight hug* be accepted? :)
Ok, although you quite clearly say you don't need our (your readers?) concern, thoughts, feelings etc. but just like a luxury (and out of a habit I seem to have recently acquired)I would still give you a bit of these (but promise to keep it really short).
Just wanted to point out to one thing. You say "i'm in a state of mourning -not for the love that he and i once shared, but for the love that i still carry in my heart" That can't be so.
One does not mourn for something she still has. One can only mourn for something that one has lost. Just try to feel this over again - it cannot be the way you state it, has to be the other way round (and I am not trying to prove the worth of logic here..I found myself in a similar situaion and took me a long while to figure out what was exactly hurting me). Just pointing this out because the sooner you know what you are mourning for, the sooner the mourning period passes.
p.s. one more thing - LOVE in one's heart NEVER hurts! That the RELATIONSHIP did not work out the way you might have liked can hurt but NOT love that you carry in your heart.
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