I have to admit that watching Sex and the City 2 tonight was perhaps one of the smartest things I ever did in the past couple of weeks. And trust me, if you had known all the sensible changes I've been making in my life lately you would be as surprised as I am with this revelation.
The last month of a PhD is tough, add to it a slightly rocky marriage, add to it your own personal ghosts, add to it packing up 5 years of life and leaving in a jiffy, add to it entering a new-old country begrudgingly, add to it entering a new phase when your life's only big dream(s) are achieved. I needed the superficiality of a glamorous, 'sparkly' Hollywood girly flick!
However, what was surprising was how unprepared I was that even a shamelessly girly girl movie was able to show me a glimmer of what I was letting my own life become. I suppose juggling a long-distance marriage with a demanding PhD was never meant to be easy. I wish somebody had prepared me for that. Just as Carrie Bradshaw looked back on her life when she first came to NY in 1986, I too looked back at my life when I came to the UK 5 years ago. I was young, confused, wild, and full of insecurities. Fast forward to now, and although I do not have Carrie's sexy body or breathtaking fashion sense, I am a confident, accomplished, self-sufficient woman. But that is now.
What happened in between version 1.0 and 2.0? Many mini versions - 1.13, 1.79, 1.98! Somehow in the past two years I let pessimism and my not-so-charming traits take a sturdy grasp of me. What's alarming is not that I allowed this to happen - let's face it, we all have our lows when the not so pretty side of us creeps out - but that I tricked myself into enjoying it! I'm ashamed to admit that maybe a self-deprecating side of me took over just like darkness can so easily fill every corner of a once bright soul. Nothing was able to help me. No amount of talking to friends, reading books, self-reflection, tears, family support, or sense of purpose could throw me a lifeboat.
You know how I managed to turn so many versions in just 5 years and come out okay? My attitude. Despite all my lows, self-criticism, unhappiness, depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, irrational thinking....despite the gamut of young adulthood....I came out okay simply because of my attitude towards life. You know how I said I enjoyed the crappy version of me? In my own weird way, I was making the best of my awful situation - even the awful situation was myself. Some counselling, some age, some time, a husband, a mother, and a couple of friends helped me through my attitudinal shift. I gradually changed tracks from enjoying unhappiness to enjoying happiness. Whoa! The more I rejoice the happiness, the more I see that unhappiness is not as much fun...plus it's harder work! I still occasionally slip into what you modern thinkers call 'pain body', but atleast now I have the tools to gently coax myself back into the fun version of fun. I've accepted that this is a lifetime job coz it's called survival.
Now Sex and the City, as far as I gather from the one movie and 2 half-episodes I've watched, is all about the complexities of relationships. In this regard, Carrie Bradshaw said something that was particularly interesting (and relevant) to me. She errs on the side of temptation and kisses her ex-boyfriend because she was unhappy with her marriage to her 'the one'. She then, in between her heart-rending Hollywood tears, says that she had spent all her life being crazy and just trying to get the man she loved to love her back. And when he finally reciprocates and simply wants to lay in the couch with her, she grumbles. What's wrong with a couch, she asks. Indeed. It was the oddest parallel I can ever draw to my current marital situation. Never did I think that skinny Carrie could turn the mirror from herself to me!
This man that I'm married to? My soul fell in love with him the very minute I saw him. After 2 .5 years, my soul was finally able to get through to my heart. I spent more than a year chasing the man I love to realize that he wouldn't be happier with anyone else but me. I loved him so much that I let him walk all over me, play with my heart, and use me like I use my plastic water bottle in the gym. I knew that only I will love him so unconditionally, so madly, so perfectly that it was okay for me to wait while he messed me around. Sure enough, I got my 'one'. And now...after all that...when he simply holds my hand while we walk down to the grocery store, I say he must side-hug me. When he says he misses me, I say I need him to miss me more. When he comes to be with me, I say he should've come earlier. When he wants to spend time with me, I accuse him of all the times he did not spend time with me. When he says he loves me in little and big ways, I say in many cruel ways that it's not enough.
Why has his love become less sufficient now, when in the past I waited hungrily for even the smallest mirage of love from him? What is so wrong with what I have that I want something more from him? Why do I want him to make up for my loss self-respect and insecurities in the past?
The more I ask these questions, the worse it gets for me. For almost two years now I've struggled with my definition of marriage, husband, wife, society, parents, in-laws, gender roles and whatnot. The one thing I learnt is there is no point in overthinking this. There is no point in me wondering why I am like this and not like that. It only makes me more and more angry and negative. Attitudinal shift time. Everytime I get down on how rocky and unfortunate our marriage has been, I am now also able to see how exciting and fun it still is. A positive attitude helps me remember that I want to be happy in this marriage. It's as simple as that. Whenever i get to a tricky crossroads I ask myself, "What do you want to do to make sure you are happy in this marriage?" Usually I come out being honest, open, and even more lovable for him.
Change begets change. The more positive I become, the more space I give him to be wonderful to me. The more I believe we are a team, the more he behaves like we are a team. The more things I find to be happy with him, the more he feels reassured and loves me more. It's fantastic. Despite those nagging pitfalls, I can see myself slowly being with the man I've always wanted in a marriage I've always wanted.
Obviously, Hollywood wouldn't have had the time to delve so deeply into personal and marital complexities. But atleast it churned out a Carrie Bradshaw that triggered some self-reflection for me. For that, and the hot-oh-mama!-hot guys, thanks Sex and the City 2!
The last month of a PhD is tough, add to it a slightly rocky marriage, add to it your own personal ghosts, add to it packing up 5 years of life and leaving in a jiffy, add to it entering a new-old country begrudgingly, add to it entering a new phase when your life's only big dream(s) are achieved. I needed the superficiality of a glamorous, 'sparkly' Hollywood girly flick!
However, what was surprising was how unprepared I was that even a shamelessly girly girl movie was able to show me a glimmer of what I was letting my own life become. I suppose juggling a long-distance marriage with a demanding PhD was never meant to be easy. I wish somebody had prepared me for that. Just as Carrie Bradshaw looked back on her life when she first came to NY in 1986, I too looked back at my life when I came to the UK 5 years ago. I was young, confused, wild, and full of insecurities. Fast forward to now, and although I do not have Carrie's sexy body or breathtaking fashion sense, I am a confident, accomplished, self-sufficient woman. But that is now.
What happened in between version 1.0 and 2.0? Many mini versions - 1.13, 1.79, 1.98! Somehow in the past two years I let pessimism and my not-so-charming traits take a sturdy grasp of me. What's alarming is not that I allowed this to happen - let's face it, we all have our lows when the not so pretty side of us creeps out - but that I tricked myself into enjoying it! I'm ashamed to admit that maybe a self-deprecating side of me took over just like darkness can so easily fill every corner of a once bright soul. Nothing was able to help me. No amount of talking to friends, reading books, self-reflection, tears, family support, or sense of purpose could throw me a lifeboat.
You know how I managed to turn so many versions in just 5 years and come out okay? My attitude. Despite all my lows, self-criticism, unhappiness, depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, irrational thinking....despite the gamut of young adulthood....I came out okay simply because of my attitude towards life. You know how I said I enjoyed the crappy version of me? In my own weird way, I was making the best of my awful situation - even the awful situation was myself. Some counselling, some age, some time, a husband, a mother, and a couple of friends helped me through my attitudinal shift. I gradually changed tracks from enjoying unhappiness to enjoying happiness. Whoa! The more I rejoice the happiness, the more I see that unhappiness is not as much fun...plus it's harder work! I still occasionally slip into what you modern thinkers call 'pain body', but atleast now I have the tools to gently coax myself back into the fun version of fun. I've accepted that this is a lifetime job coz it's called survival.
Now Sex and the City, as far as I gather from the one movie and 2 half-episodes I've watched, is all about the complexities of relationships. In this regard, Carrie Bradshaw said something that was particularly interesting (and relevant) to me. She errs on the side of temptation and kisses her ex-boyfriend because she was unhappy with her marriage to her 'the one'. She then, in between her heart-rending Hollywood tears, says that she had spent all her life being crazy and just trying to get the man she loved to love her back. And when he finally reciprocates and simply wants to lay in the couch with her, she grumbles. What's wrong with a couch, she asks. Indeed. It was the oddest parallel I can ever draw to my current marital situation. Never did I think that skinny Carrie could turn the mirror from herself to me!
This man that I'm married to? My soul fell in love with him the very minute I saw him. After 2 .5 years, my soul was finally able to get through to my heart. I spent more than a year chasing the man I love to realize that he wouldn't be happier with anyone else but me. I loved him so much that I let him walk all over me, play with my heart, and use me like I use my plastic water bottle in the gym. I knew that only I will love him so unconditionally, so madly, so perfectly that it was okay for me to wait while he messed me around. Sure enough, I got my 'one'. And now...after all that...when he simply holds my hand while we walk down to the grocery store, I say he must side-hug me. When he says he misses me, I say I need him to miss me more. When he comes to be with me, I say he should've come earlier. When he wants to spend time with me, I accuse him of all the times he did not spend time with me. When he says he loves me in little and big ways, I say in many cruel ways that it's not enough.
Why has his love become less sufficient now, when in the past I waited hungrily for even the smallest mirage of love from him? What is so wrong with what I have that I want something more from him? Why do I want him to make up for my loss self-respect and insecurities in the past?
The more I ask these questions, the worse it gets for me. For almost two years now I've struggled with my definition of marriage, husband, wife, society, parents, in-laws, gender roles and whatnot. The one thing I learnt is there is no point in overthinking this. There is no point in me wondering why I am like this and not like that. It only makes me more and more angry and negative. Attitudinal shift time. Everytime I get down on how rocky and unfortunate our marriage has been, I am now also able to see how exciting and fun it still is. A positive attitude helps me remember that I want to be happy in this marriage. It's as simple as that. Whenever i get to a tricky crossroads I ask myself, "What do you want to do to make sure you are happy in this marriage?" Usually I come out being honest, open, and even more lovable for him.
Change begets change. The more positive I become, the more space I give him to be wonderful to me. The more I believe we are a team, the more he behaves like we are a team. The more things I find to be happy with him, the more he feels reassured and loves me more. It's fantastic. Despite those nagging pitfalls, I can see myself slowly being with the man I've always wanted in a marriage I've always wanted.
Obviously, Hollywood wouldn't have had the time to delve so deeply into personal and marital complexities. But atleast it churned out a Carrie Bradshaw that triggered some self-reflection for me. For that, and the hot-oh-mama!-hot guys, thanks Sex and the City 2!
1 comment:
:) atb. am happy for you.
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