Interior Monologue

Life comes full circle often. My research is about making sense of one's illness in two separate contexts. And now, I am making sense of the aftermath when I'm provisionally Dr. M.

I don't deserve it. I am ashamed of it. Yes, I know that I am being unkind and harsh. And yes, I genuinely think I deserve some punishment time.

I will always remember the shame I bore in my heart. How my eyes cast down when I was informed that I passed. I will always remember how my supervisor's face changed form when he discovered I was not proud, I was not happy, I was not even in limbo. I had swiftly by-passed any form of joy and clearly landed in vacant expanses of self-flagellating, mournful shock.

How did I miss something so fundamental? How did they place so much power in my hands? Why did I kid myself into trying to get away with it? Why did I not accept the short-coming? When did I become so egotistical? When did I let my myopic passion blind me from science? When did science desert me? Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself.

Two decades I dreamt about this. My parents lived life through me just to see the day I become a PhD holder. My husband sacrificed two unborn children for this dream. My supervisors invested their time and wisdom in this project. My friends held my hands and supported me when I was falling. And so, I need to put up a front. But my lips can't carve a smile, my eyes are awash with shame, my face contorts in pain.

Everytime someone congratulates me I can hear the voice inside my head saying, 'You could've quite easily killed someone if you took your findings any further!' I could have done so much damage. I could have shook a steady boat. I could have caused a hurricane in still waters.

When I told this to my most honest friend she told me that I am being much too harsh on myself. She said I need to stop punishing myself like this. She is probably right. I have many strengths. But I will not allow myself the respite. I will ensure I am punished until this lesson is burned so deep that if I were to die, this will be the last thing in my mind.

I will get there. In six months, one year, maybe even two...I will learn to deserve my title. Because by then I would have etched the lesson into my being.