A viva is scary. I have never felt this afraid in my life before. I have never felt this vulnerable in my life before. I have never invested my life, my dreams, my soul, and myself in anything before. Since that time I can remember - this was my career calling. Now, two people who have barely watched my research life unfurl will ask me questions about what I've written. Compact words, long tables, indentations, a bound cover...how sharp the edges of my dream are!

I'm scared shitless and no one is able to help me even when they try.