Their willfulness is their undoing, really.

Old age does funny things to people. Some people respond positively to aging and some resist it with gusto. I’ve observed that the latter pays a hefty price for their behaviour. I can only think of a few of the costs, though. First, they alienate themselves from their loved ones. The ones who love them (i.e., often the primary caretakers) experience multitude of emotions resulting in sub-optimal caretaking behaviours. These caretakers’ – who are usually the children – memories are reconstructed in what seems to me a nearly always negative tone, thereby, in some way, reflecting their older relative’s attitude. Frequently, the aging person will stick to their patterns, regress to what becomes an old-fashioned or traditional ideology, and resist attempts to correction and even genuine introspection. Consequently, this leads to a double-pronged, cyclical troubled (and troubling!) dance wherein the caretakers will insist on change which is basically an extension of wanting this older person to understand, accept and adhere to their point-of-view that is met with the older person lashing out in whatever way suits the situation and their ability at the time (e.g., name-calling, stubbornness, argumentativeness, silence, manipulation). Most painfully, in India, I see that the grandchildren involve themselves in this tussle. I believe that grandchildren, no matter how old they are in age themselves, do not have the experience, knowledge, connection or maturity to deal with this difficult situation. However, the grandchildren will weigh in. These opinions are often in favour of the caretaker (i.e., their parents), thereby stoking the fire and increasing the gap between their grandparent and their own parents.  

This brings me to the second price that these aging people pay: they are left with not only their own feelings of resentment but also that of their children and their grandchildren. In other, less eloquent words, they feel like shit and people around them feel like shit as well. Now, that’s a very sad outcome of resisting the unavoidable reality of aging because not only are they on the losing end of the bargain but also they are breeding negativity in the third generation. I believe that the grandchildren (and for that matter the children) will not be able to make peace with themselves should something untoward happen to the grandparent. I was wrecked with guilt and regret for having a sour relationship with my maternal grandfather just a few weeks before he passed away suddenly (he was in no need of caretaking at the time though). It haunts you. It tears you apart. And I swore to myself I will not behave in that despicable manner with my 3 remaining grandparents. In my books, I strived and succeeded. Sure, I yelled and said mean things. But by the time I reached my home or the end of the day and thought about it, I knew I did something wrong and always made amendments. When you have difficult grandparents (trust me, none of the remaining grandparents were/are easy!), you have only two choices. You can either support your parents in a constructive way or you can step away from the situation. But I’m a psychologist, fairly introspective, have a wise husband who is also my mentor, and, importantly, I fear the feeling of guilt, so I try my best to self-regulate with grandparents. Not everyone can do that when they are frequently put in a situation that requires you to engage. Unfortunately, grandparents indirectly or directly force the hand of their children and grandchildren into behaving in this rude way which will result in them feeling guilt, regret, sadness, anguish and depression when their (grand)parent is long gone.

Reflecting this, a third price that old people who resist aging is they miss out on love during their twilight years. There is just so much friction when older people cannot adjust, however justified, that there is no space and time to create love. The giving and receiving of love is the best part of growing old. People who gracefully age tend to be in the center of so much love and affection, even if they were horrible people when they were young. Their counterparts, those who fight the natural course of aging, may have been wonderful, helpful, and supportive in their younger years. These positive contributions to their caretakers lives are quickly forgotten when they stick onto what is considered by the current times archaic ways of life. It is difficult for the people around them to understand and accommodate a degenerating brain, neurons that shut down and reject opportunities to ignite new pathways, a mind that is so set in its loops. It is difficult for them to overcome what their ward’s willfulness and forgive them their age. And in the end of this entire struggle, all love is lost.