Of conflictions

Our pursuit for self-discovery is ancient. 

I have been accused of many things. The one that I’m most accused of is lying. Since telling someone that they are a liar is often impossible owing to how difficult it is to overcome one’s hard-wired sense for social politeness, I’ve been accused of having many allied characteristics such as being selfish, self-centered, misleading, hostile, unyielding, and alienating. Being called selfish was perhaps the most painful one mainly because it was easily justifiable by popular psychological theories (i.e., Adler’s birth order theory about the only child). It hurt because I could quickly find the basis for the accusation and so could my accuser. 

I struggled with this selfishness. When people attribute a quality to you for decades on end, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I started behaving in ways that supported this definition of my personality. Although I genuinely did not believe I am selfish, I accepted and apologized to anyone who expressed being upset by my selfishness. I even went for therapy to cure me of this disgusting personality trait. My therapist disagreed with the popular opinion and went on to spend 10 weeks showing me how I was actually not a selfish person. I found it hard to believe but, I will admit, I was pleased that finally someone agreed with my innermost suspicion.

I am not selfish. I am a person with juxtaposed qualities. I am sturdy, conventional bordering on conservative, practical and very critical. I am also impulsive, non-traditional, imaginative, and extremely forgiving. I can see now why my husband thought I was misleading him. I want a life that is safe but exciting. It can be a problem for most people who are pretty predictable and linear in terms of their personality traits. 

That is why I thirst for my kind, my people. I do this while holding onto the people I already have in my life. These people have come a long way to either forgive or understand my conflicting personality. They stuck with me and for that I will always be grateful, I will always remain faithful. But these other people, my abstracted tribe, go beyond that understanding to resonate with my need for a solid yet fearless life. It is not easy to stomach a person like that and I seek those who know that. They are people who want to remain true to their supportive friends and family but also challenge social norms every day. 

The risk of hurting those who are closest to you are always great, believe me. I’ve lost so much of trust, I have lost so much face and I have lost so much me. However, I have also found myself through all these misfortunes. I am a juxtaposed, honest person searching for my kind.